Actually cracking up @ this
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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny