Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this