I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
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Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.