It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
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I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Bike for sale
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.