[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.