Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.