I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee
Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b
Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment
Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*
Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Hero horse inspires millions
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”
– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣