I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
me refusing to leave twitter
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Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now