Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
馃
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
the saddest jazz hands ever
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
If I win Poweball we鈥檙e all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai鈥ake!
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is鈥sn’t that your job?