I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
emergency phone
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine