[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
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ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine