when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
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If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”