If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
“you recording!?”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons