If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Yup
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video