If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd