Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.