Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
How dramatic are you?