Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
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when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
79.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo