This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
finally found a reasonable question
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Current mood: Potato
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
yes… yes…
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk