*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
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Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Me checking my bank balance online.