I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

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I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”


[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*


i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly


I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.


My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”


ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u


Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.


Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.


“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.