I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Raisins are grape jerky.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
*orders delivery*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.