Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
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The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
thinking about a very short hotdog
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Great acting.. 😂
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.