My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
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“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.