[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
This is a bad sign
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one