Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Great acting.. 😂
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.