Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
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the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I know this now 😂
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.