It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
You Might Also Like
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Yoga Matt
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery