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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.