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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Important reminders
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended