FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
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Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.