FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
You Might Also Like
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.