Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.