Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
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Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny