You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
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Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
this is the best day of my life
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.