Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
had to make it
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.