[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
the dark web is just a goth google.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.