due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
They’re stuck in your pants?
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
.. do you even science?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.