I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
You Might Also Like
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Happy Friday