@PlainTravis I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
@david8hughes [phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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@PlainTravis 
@mellimelle Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
@robyn_vo I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
@MrEd_EVH Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
@J0hnnyBlaze How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
@Ygrene [being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
@jwoodham Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
@bewgtweets You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
@OyVeyLady “When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
@TheAlexNevil Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
