[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

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I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.


Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.


I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm


How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now


[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*


Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.


You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do


“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.