[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled