ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Beware of fowl play.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there