I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
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[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids