I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*