[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
You Might Also Like
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.