I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*