Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Not today, today.
Not today.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
is nasa ok
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible