As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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Check your privilege
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
My safe word is Worcestershire
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
don’t we all
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?