Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
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My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Human are so complicated
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry