Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
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*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment![]()
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
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My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.