Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

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[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.



IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear


Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.


You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane


Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.


Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.


I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid


If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.


[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No