-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*