Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”