Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Dance like you’re not the father
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child