NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.