realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair