If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.