waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!