[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?