I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Well, shit
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.