I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
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Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
🚲+physics = winner
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*