The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
You Might Also Like
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Feels