My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
You Might Also Like
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth