My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!